I was witness to a conversation recently between three men who work in bars. They were talking about one of the guy’s ex-girlfriend who they called “psycho” and apparently after they broke up kept showing up at his house; I highly doubt that but delusions are difficult to let go of. This was one conversation but I was privy to hearing many conversations like this over a period of a year. They eat, live, and breathe this bar culture where its uncool to show or even feel emotions. Where females are numerically categorized “she’s an 8” or degrading verbs “she was a fat chick” I heard more than a few times. They deem themselves desirable because of a minute local celebrity status which they completely buy into. One didn’t have a home, one didn’t have a car, one didn’t have a bank account, home, or car and none of them had girlfriends. I believe that one or maybe two of them were genuinely interested in having a relationship but didn’t have the slightest clue how to go about that. I hear from both men and women globally that they would like a committed connected monogamous relationship and can’t find it. From what I can see there seems to be a new magnanimous disconnect between men and women.
Let’s break down this one conversation I witnessed. First off, lookin for love in all the wrong places is an understatement in this case. There isn’t a person in the history of mankind who met someone in a bar that turned into a healthy, long-term relationship. You may argue saying that you know of people who stayed together who met in that venue but I said healthy. The people that frequent bars are addicts and addicts love one thing first and foremost, the addiction. Anything that interferes with that will be terminated. If you happen to stay with them for a bit you will find that an addiction doesn’t just mean partaking in a substance or act; it stems from a place much deeper. There have been thousands of studies to support this but an addiction comes from a place deep inside someone that is broken. The brokenness is typically a childhood abuse; sexual, verbal, physical or a combination of them. The person at some point in their life decides to check out and anesthetizes instead. Now you have someone who has consciously detached from themselves and life. You can’t intimately connect with another person who isn’t intimately connected with themselves. They’re in search of a high all the time that gives them the adrenalin rush to stay disconnected. The lines of addiction begin to blur easily as well. What began as a marijuana addiction now bleeds into porn, sex, food, alcohol, gambling, and so on. Because their first love is the addiction and that’s what they’re loyal to they can’t be loyal to a partner.
Next the bar culture that supports this and so many other negative aspects of life and people. It’s a high octane fast paced environment where the shiny object gets chosen for the evening. One where genuine conversations are left at the front door in place of vapid hazy ones that won’t be remembered the next day. Where women are plucked to the front of the line and for front line viewing if they are considered the “pretty” ones. The caste system is well in place and the people enforcing it aren’t quiet about it. You could be a rocket scientist but that’s not valued as if you’re the “fat chick” in the room you had better know your place and move to the back. All the females are numbered and they know it so there’s fierce competition. The prize you ask-a fleeting moment of attention from a man or men who consider themselves kings of this place. You do whatever you need to do to get that attention, even if it means stabbing your friend in the back and stealing her boyfriend. The rush of excitement that must be felt upon “winning” that prize; a one night stand with a man who degrades women. A man who uses the term “psycho” to describe a female he was once in love with? This is a man who deters his own decisions and bad behavior on women and throws out derogatory terms instead of taking responsibility for himself and his actions. A man whose very premise of how he views women is based on the fact that they are objects for his amusement and meant to be tossed to the side when he can no longer control or manipulate them. There’s an agreed upon or “cool” way to speak, dress, and move; originality isn’t welcome here. How can this environment support a healthy monogamous relationship? The value system is based on ruthlessly knocking out your competition, degrading women and not valuing their brain, heart, soul, interests, thoughts; and drinking so you might be the shell of who you were in the beginning. You can’t connect with someone here so how can you truly get to know them. And if you only valued their looks, the next night you will turn around and value someone else’s looks that quickly.
Last, let’s discuss the lack of housing, car, and bank account amongst the men. I’m hearing this complaint from females anywhere from 21-71 years old globally, a peter pan complex is NOT attractive and seems to be rampant. Men seem to be regressing in how they dress, act, speak, and live their lives. Of course everyone has a different definition of what they feel “adulting” is. However, a 40-year-old man acting like a teenager isn’t attractive and men don’t seem to understand this. I’ve heard two big complaints from women that men aren’t computing and understanding that their lack of relationship is a direct reflection of their actions. The first is the lack of maturity on every level. Having a playful sense of curiosity about life is attractive to any woman. It means you’re an adult but you still know how to have fun; a woman then knows she won’t be bored with you. Running around town dressed like a child and chasing skirts every night means you haven’t at all matured and we feel like you’re still breast feeding and there’s a good probability of mommy issues. You will either attract a mother figure or child figure, never an equal that can be a long term partner. We all know there’s a rule of thumb for that; if he’s still rebelling as an adult he hates his mommy and he’s going to take it out on women. Nobody wants to take care of a child. If you’re best effort at a date which entails getting to know someone and putting your best foot forward is showing up late to their house with a Netflix and chill agenda, you will reap what you sow. No effort equals no relationship, nothing of any substance and longevity anyway. The second is hitting on a woman and ALL of her female friends; via social media or in person. THIS IS A BIG ONE GUYS, YOU’RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT!!! Every single female on the planet wants to feel like they are special to their special someone. If you come out of the gate and hit on all of them, they know immediately a few things. You’ll just date anyone, you may cheat on them, you like their girlfriends, and you don’t see anything really special about them that would draw you to only them. This is the kiss of death for men. Men also forget that they can be seen on social media. Again, if you’re throwing the fishing line out to 30 females they all see some of that and you’re done before you began. The ladies are receiving complaints on the opposite side of this; looking to be saved or type A. First of all, there is no prince charming; let that shit go. There’s no one soul mate and if you do some reading and gather an understanding of what “soul mate” really means it can apply to many people; even your friends and family. Stop waiting for a man to do for you what you haven’t put the effort forth to do for yourself. Whether it’s emotional or financial assistance that you seek, ain’t gonna happen. There’s an old saying that goes “when you are happy and at peace with yourself and least expecting it, your partner will appear.” Or something like that, don’t quote me! The jist of it is, feeling that someone else is what you need to fill the hole(s) within yourself is a first mistake when choosing a partner. The type A, too independent female is the other complaint that’s out there. Since industrialization women began working and as Rosy the riveter came to the forefront and women were allowed to vote and wear pants. As time went on and families needed to have two working parents, the next generation of women knew what was expected of them. They knew they would be going to college and supporting themselves. You can pay your bills, take care of yourself emotionally, live on your own, go on vacation; basically live a full life without a man. Successful, intelligent, working women are used to not needing anyone; how can they soften to allow an open space for another person?
The example here is in one particular extreme environment but I’ve heard the same complaints in all careers, cultures, continents, age groups, and religions. All in all, the common theme that I’ve heard is that most people are looking for a connection and a partner and it’s not happening anymore. Make a genuine effort to get to know the opposite sex. Spend some time getting to know yourself and getting to know what you want. Taking responsibility and accountability for who you are and your participation in any relationship first and foremost being the one with yourself is sure to point you in the right direction. Everyone is trying to navigate this new very viral world of dating where things move quickly, does anyone really have it figured out? We at Kodawari have an offering for you with Sondra Ray’s upcoming workshop, details below.
Sondra & Markus Ray’s ”The Loving Relationships Training” Workshop is coming up on September 9, 10, and 11th. Details at www.kodawariyoga.com
Written by Kristen Carla Blogger/Acupuncture Physician www.facebook.com/kristencarla